So it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I find that when I’m in an unhealthy place my mind is dark and stinking thinking is the order of the day. I tend to be a hermit and not share anything at all. I go through the motions of getting through each day one by one; Searching for answers, waiting for my time to shine, losing sight and the fact that life should be lived in the moment of each day. Just existing.
I have been in extreme denial for the past 41 years that I struggle with depression. When I first came to know Jesus, and first started Celebrate Recovery, I experienced real hope, his hope for the first time in my life. I swore by the motto that “I will be the link that breaks the chain of dysfunction in my family”. I also stopped running from the fear of ending up like my mother and embrace the fact that it was inevitable that I would be like her in many ways for she is my mother. When I look back on the events of my life, logically it makes sense that I would struggle with depression. People who come from the dysfunctional and broken backgrounds tend to. I don’t necessarily buy into the fact that all depression is genetics, or that it is all chemical imbalance (while I do acknowledge that these exists) I have come to understand that a lot of it is generational curses that the Bible speaks of. Dysfunction begets dysfunction. Hurt people hurt people. And so on and so on.
So I am learning to accept that I do have a mental illness as a result of generational curses and that I am prone to depressive behaviors. I have lost so much and I have faced tremendous trials, all of which were beyond my control. My traumatic past is a part of who I am today. I’ve also learned that God does not waste a tear. And I choose to stand on his promise that good will come out of all things for those of us who love him and are called according to his purposes. So yes, I am a child of God. I have been saved and redeem. I struggle with depression. And while I may never be able to break the chain of dysfunction and generational curses that runs in my family, I have this hope for I know that he can. Thank you for letting me share.